A momentous day as the EU and UK finally make a deal over the custody Northern Ireland
It has been a long and turbulent road, but the struggle has come to an end, as this evening the EU and UK have finally come to an arrangement regarding the custody of Northern Ireland.
“We are delighted to have come to a resolution” says the EU. “It has been a very troublesome time, but in the end it wasn't about us, it was about little Northern Ireland. We feel a joint custody agreement is what’s best for the North.
The custody battle began in June 2016 when the UK filed for divorce proceedings after a deterioration in their relationship with the EU.
In 1973, then single parent, United Kingdom married the European Union, creating what seemed to be the perfect family for a number of years. However, trouble began to rise over time with the relationship becoming strained in the past few years leading to the eventual divorce.
However, Northern Ireland shocked the UK by requesting to stay with their adopted father the EU, who then requested full custody. “The North doesn’t want to leave” they stated “They’re happy where they are. It would be unfair to remove them from the life they are accustomed to.”
The EU has provided a safe and secure environment for Northern Ireland since 1973, however the UK objected saying “Northern Ireland is mine. I’ve been there for the North right from the start. I gave birth to the North in in 1921. They should stay with us”.
Tensions rose between both parties as the EU was accused of “trying to bribe the North with toys, like free trade and free travel”, while the EU criticised the UK’s character, claiming the divorce request was motivated primarily out of racism, to which the UK replied “THEY would say that, wouldn’t THEY.”
However, the worst was yet to come for the UK, when the EU raised concerns over what they described as the UK’s severe alcohol problem.
“The UK has a history of alcohol abuse. They tend to get drunk and at times violent, especially when football is involved. LINK
The UK have rejected the claim, stating. “Yes, sometimes I may have gotten out of control. I’m not perfect. But I would never let that affect my care for Northern Ireland. I would never hurt them.”
Further adding fuel to the fire was the biological father, Republic of Ireland. The Republic, who lost custody of the North to the UK during their separation in 1921, are on good terms with the EU and have backed them in the case in hope this could eventually lead to them being united with the North, once again.
However, the UK have combated the Republics advances, stating they are not able to support the North financially, while also criticising the integrity of the Republic’s parenting.
UK alleges the Republic has used their relationship to take advantage of the North, stealing from them multiple times. Some of the objects stolen include Darren Gibson, James McClean, and bragging rights to George Best. LINK
Of course the real victim of this bickering tug of war was little Northern Ireland. During an interview, The North said “It was really hard. Sometimes it felt they cared more about hurting each other than they did about me.”
It was this negative effect on the North that finally got both parties to cooperate.
“Things had just gotten so bad for the North” said the EU. “They just fell apart. They couldn't eat, they couldn’t sleep. They didn't even have a government. We knew something had to change”.
Having hit rock bottom, the EU and UK began mediation and came to a joint custody agreement. The result has been praised by all parties who are happy for the dispute to come to an end.
“We felt the most important thing is to ensure that Northern Ireland know this isn't their fault. They've done nothing wrong and just because we don’t want the EU anymore doesn’t mean we don’t want you.” said the UK.
The EU announced “We decided The North needs all of us together, not fighting. We’re very happy with the arrangement.
Finally, a despondent Republic acknowledged “This is probably for the best. This way, the North can live on weekdays with the stability and security the EU can provide, and on the weekends they can engage in all the drunken violence they want…...GIVE US BACK OUR FUCKING COUNTIES”.